Life of An Angel

Friday, August 04, 2006

I'm writing this down. Printing it out in words so that i can always remember this very day, as i tell myself that i would never want to forget how it has affected my life. How all these mean so much and precious to me.

Recuperated from all the hangovers from the past Saturday.
I made an appearance religiously at Zouk/Phuture/Velvet.
As usual, no strings attached, I turned up at a supposedly birthday party of Harris's(adidas colleague) aussie friend.
Birthday boy was incredibly late.
It didn't really bother me much, for i found some old friends and started hanging out with them at Phuture instead.
Astonishingly, i spotted someone right next to me.
My silly classmate...and i don't even know his name!
Goodness sake, it's like people who you see only for the second time in class and we sort of paired up for some practical sessions at the Lab.
In fact, i hardly know him, just that i find him rather pleasant.
That's IT!
Right, back at the dance floor, exchanged of OOhs and aahs, accusing each other of being such losers - turning up at a club right after class at Kallang Stadium.
That very fateful night turned out more than what i could take.
Shuffling in and out of the crowds, bumping into a couple of unexpected people, acquaintance and friends.
Went down Velvet to find Kit.
Met Emery along the corridor just right at the entrance of the bar.
So much has happened that i don't hear from him anymore.
Surprise surprise.....
HUSON came up right behind.
....okay..i think i almost flipped right at the sight of him again.
Been THREE freaking weeks since i last heard of him.
All these while gravely trying, mending my own broken heart, the distraughted feelings just overflowed out of it's own place sipping through the cracks of me.
That very sight of him again..it's beyond words.
Placing a hand over my mouth, and the other on my chest.
I stepped back overwhelmed.
This might just sound dramatic like a movie but it was just EXACTLY how i reacted.
Telling myself in the head that i had to be composed and please say "hi".
I smiled unconvincingly back at him as he smile sheepishly, "Hello Shirlene!"
"Hello Huson."
His friend, Samuel came out from the bar and joined us.
We stepped aside from the corridor as we didn't want to block the passage way.
"...i know you must be still angry with me for ignoring you..."
Samuel excused himself," ...Er....i think i should go awhile..."
Poor fella. He probably didn't wanna get caught in between the sticky situation with Hus and me.
I just didn't know what to say. I felt really uncomfortable.
It has never felt better seeing him again, knowing the fact that he was leaving today.
Why's it that i don't feel any sense of happiness in me at all?
Why can't i just be cool about the whole thing.
He ignored me for like a month, dropped me entirely and disappeared without a trance. I should be feeling angry, shouldn't i?
We chat alittle. Asking each other how are we catching on, what recent movies have we watched.
Silly enough, i told him i've been playing piano.
I have been, with him on my mind.
Huson plays fine piano, so can i.
Didn't wanna hold him up or anything, so we parted.
"I'm sure you'll do very well over there!" i said.
"You will do very well too!" He patted my shoulder.
With the sunken feeling i carried all around the club, my mood's dampened.
I felt entirely scattered and perplexed.
Waving Kit's and Nich's worries away, brushing their concerns aside, i simply wanted to GO HOME right away and be left alone.
Nich's idea to get me perked up at Velvet, so we headed down again.
Before i knew it, i had 3 flaming in a row.
Smashingly gone. Scrambled my way back to Phuture to work off the alcohol.
Collasped entirely.
I'm sorry nich for making you worry that much, and i'm really sorry for not willing to tell what's wrong.
Thank you Kit for coming back up and am so sorry that i made you so worried and confused.
A tear dropped. Tears started to stream down my face.
I was crying. Finally.
Couldn't stop flowing.
A relief to all the bottled feelings of heartache.
Fished out my phone and messaged Hus.
I had to get out of there, and i only had a wish at that moment, that was hoping Hus was by my side.
I leaped from my chair like a lost child reuniting back with my mum when Hus stood right in front of me.
The rest was history, i couldn't remembered what happened then, how i got out of the club and how i managed to retrieve my bag from the baggage counter.
Once i stepped out into the night air, i freshen up slightly.
This time i totally hated seeing him right next to me.
Utterly ridiculous. Is this the guy who confessed he liked me alot and to totally ignore me after that just 'cos he doesn't want a relationship?
Felt like kicking myself for being such a weakling nonsensical bitch at the very moment.
He was gripping my wrist real tight that it hurted.
I remembered struggling hard, trying to break free.
Being a stubborn ox, i refused to get into his car.
Started smacking his hand to let me go.
I gave in and got in the car.
Spotted Emery by the road, and i called out and waved goodbye.
He didn't hear, so Hus drove up to catch up and told me to scream louder. I did.
Saw a familiar figure right next to Em.
Hus's ex girlfriend.
Please...i hope she didn't see me. It just felt so wrong.
I heard she was totally crazy over him and that she really like Hus awfully alot.
It's stupid, it shouldn't even affect me, why bother.
The fact is that i just can't simply ignore the fact there's this one such girl who was ever so deeply in love with Hus ended up feeling hurt so badly.
I sympathised her. I feel for her.
Plus, she's really a pretty babe. It's such a pity.
I'm probably getting too involved.
"It's okay, i spoke to her already..." Hus assured me.
Cos i was scolding under my breadth, muttering so much nonsense.
Biting my lips, i just couldn't hold it down anymore.
"I'm getting out of the car...stop the car...i'm getting out...!", yes..i'm mad enough to really pull at the door.
I couldn't really make out what exactly happened after, cos i just slumped back into the seat apologising.
"I won't ignore you anymore...."
"Many times i wanted to call you, Shirlene, but i controlled..."
"No...i didn't drop you...."
He said he didn't want a relationship and just want to be friends.
I said i didn't want a relationship and we are friends.

It was a long night.
Everything unleashed in just one night.
I plucked at the guts and courage which the alcohol gave, said loads of stuff which i never would have managed to.
Never once did he turn back to look at me from the first day we've met,
and he did that as i stood watching his back just like old times.
My heart leaped, and i shouted "WAIT!"
I grabbed the next lift down and there he was standing right at the sliding door waiting.
Knowing i won't see him for a long..long time, i gave him one last hug.

He left this morning.
I woke up at 1pm at his message that was sent at 7.48am from the airport.
I spent my entire Friday at home.
Meditating by myself.
Weighing my priorities over again.
Simply catching a hold of myself, putting myself back awhole.
Getting back onto my feet with determination. Full force.
Read all his posts in detail, it's extremely inspiring and enlightening.
If he can do it, so can i.
......awaiting for his return........

Lúthien Ancalime ;
8/04/2006 10:21:00 PM Comment

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