SHE
Aries. 22yrs. NP grad. Rugby,
Tennis, Running, (Sports).
Tempermental. Silly. Sensitive.
Loves Chocolate. My Friends.
Music. Hates Liars & Laziness
MOOD of da DAY:
CARES.
HATES.
MOOD.
get from unkymoods
Lúthien Ancalime ;
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Silly me.
Thought it could be better if i tried deleting your recent smses from my mobile.
Well, i was succesful the first time round.
Apparently, miracles happened.
For the second time, i don't know if it'll work.
But either way, i'll just have to learn to part with those memories filled with you.
Have no idea how long am i gonna live like this.
Feels simply forsaken and forgotten.
The last time i think i caught you by your window.
I was gazing up from the gym, and my heart just leaped.
For a second i froze, thinking if that could be you.
I know it has to be, for i know your habits like the back of my hands.
I sneaked another peep, that someone was leaning by the window..watching.
Things like this still makes my heart flutter.
I must be mad. It's driving me crazy.
What the fark am i doing?
Am i gonna carry on living like this, all this shit that i don't deserve!
Last paper tomorrow.
Might as well get it done and over with, i'm sick of studying.
This whole entire week has been grilling me down to my last bits.
I wish i can believe that you've really loved me.
Cos i don't think i'm foolish enough to believe that you lied.
Then again, it's all over isn't it?
Then why am i farking sulking in my own damn misery?!
6/01/2007 11:06:00 PM
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From planting my fat ass right smack in front of the laptop for too long.
Sigh sigh sigh.
BUT!
I'm definitely much much better today.
Just a slight stuffy nose and alittle discomfort at the throat.
There's still blood in the phelgm though.
Hmm...but i'm so ready to hit the gym for a light workout.
It's time to fight fat and lose the extra weight that i've been gaining!
Hmmm....
I have been doing some self reflection about us.
Not that it's entirely that sad and bad.
It's just that what goes around, comes around...isn't it?
I spoiled our New Year's Day night by hooking up with a girl.
I'm sorry you had to witness this with jaws wide open.
It was really evil of me.
You tried to stop me, but i pushed you away.
It must have hurt quite abit.
I flirted openly with the bartender with you right beside me.
I'm wondering if you were too oblivious or just being cool.
ALL my friends are usually guys.
You've never complain. Not even once.
Tried making you jealous by dancing with others,
which you'll constantly turn me around towards you.
And, worst of all, there's something which you're unaware of.
I don't think you know. Cos i've hidden things from you.
Yes, i have done wrong.
While you were away, i was with her.
That was what happened.
But it ain't what it seems, cos there's more than what meets the eye.
As i felt you slipping away gradually, i decided to settle for another.
That's when i began to live in denial that our relationship was okay.
You never find out.
But a close call at the club, cos that's when you saw her sms.
You grabbed my mobile over and sent her a reply in your name.
That moment, i felt a sense of triumph and delight.
I'm damn evil. I know.
For having to derive pleasure from other people's miseries, i'm condemned.
Deep down, i only wished you could be more possessive towards me.
All i wanted was just to be yours.
I have never told a single soul, never spilled the beans to anyone.
Never knew that i would spit it all out here.
Perhaps, to move on, i have got to let it all go without holding back.
And with all these, i don't think i deserve you at all.
Now we all know why.....
6/01/2007 11:13:00 AM
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Thursday, May 31, 2007
My fever fluctuates.
Feels like dying.
I need to exercise, it's tormenting.
I really pray that i'll be much much better by tomorrow,
so i can rush my studying for my last paper on saturday.
I saw you online.
My heart sank.
I don't know what is that suppose to be, but i feel that i no longer recognise the familiar you.
You've become so unfamiliar and distant.
Why are you doing this?
And what have you done to us.
At the mention of your name, it still stings.
I don't understand, i'm sure it's the sickness that's screwing up my mind.
I can't possibly be dreaming about you every night!
Bitch. I know i am.
Cos i've done something wrong and i'm angry with myself.
Definitely, there isn't anyone who's able to replace a single you,
but i choose to seek refuge in another to fill up that hollow space you left behind.
What i have done, it's unpardonable.
It's doing him no justice.
But i can't deal with it anymore, not now.
I'm tired and worn out.
I remembered telling a friend this:
"Don't question. Don't ask. Just let it be. I'm too weak to deal with it already."
I badly need to leave this place.
It's out of question to fly afar and leave the country.
Maybe, i'll just seek for an alternative, spending time away from the city and stay by the beach for awhile.
Or maybe i can start venturing for a new job.
Randomly, i think i'll revamp my entire room.
Loads of junk to be cleared.
Dapping the corner of my eyes with tissues, i don't think i've ever felt so whiny and terrible being sick.
Vicky's on msn with me.
This woman.
It's shockingly weird. She's always around in times when i'm struggling.
Really. She would go like "What happened to you?" "How are you?" "Wanna update me about your life?"
Everyone wants to help.
But i've turned it all down.
Just feel that whatever i'm going through right now, i don't think anyone's able to help.
I flared up at my mum during dinner.
I could see her face cringed up with hurt.
Disgusted. Totally disgusted with myself.
Why am i pushing away those who care?
And my farking shower tap is spoiled.
Now, i've to shower with HOT water, who showers with hot water when they are running a fever? Piece of crap.
The whole entire world's up against me man.
All these nonsense, they should stop now.
I shouldn't have turned back if i knew that i would be suffering twice worst than i did.
It's a like a taboo subject. Him.
I shouldn't have forgive him.
I really hate this. I hate it. Hate you.
Can you please go away....go away please..just go away...
5/31/2007 07:55:00 PM
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very much.
Can someone please shoot me?
My fever is farking with my mind and body.
5/31/2007 12:39:00 AM
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Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I thought i would escape the fate of a failing health.
Sucks to the core.
Just when i thought having a flu would the last virus i'll be nursing.
Here comes another toil of burden, fever.
Sigh.
Everyone's gonna be at Zouk, but me.
Sucks big time.
I have been ill for more than a week.
Sigh.
Ya know, the last thing that's really on my mind that is i wish to see him again.
I want to feel him holding me to sleep.
Yeah i know. I'm dreaming again.
5/30/2007 04:28:00 PM
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Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I must be really sick.
Physically and mentally.
Cos i don't think i can think rationally right now.
I feel like succumbing into tears.
I think about how some people could be so tolerant and patient with me,
going the extra mile just for me.
Doing just about anything they can just for me,
and it only made me worst wishfully thinking if only it was you.
I'm so sick and tired of all these shit.
I must be really sick, it's the illness.
Cos, i feel like dying right now.
5/29/2007 12:36:00 PM
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Lacking sleep and rest too.
Been sick for so long.
I missed work today. Fifty bucks gone.
Throat was burning so bad. Coughing all night that i couldn't sleep.
Woke up with a blocked nose.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why's the world spinning around me?
I promised Lloyd i'll play tennis with him last night.
We've missed tennis several times, and he's quite disappointed enough.
And i need to play tennis again.
So, i'm praying i'll be better really soon so i can play this afternoon.
Actually, i don't feel like going clubbing tomorrow night.
It's not like i'll die not going.
Plainly, because i'm still sick, it just ain't worth it.
Not mentioning exams.
SIGH.
It was like a symphony orchestra at the exam room yesterday.
Everyone seemed to be having some sort of cough, flu or something.
Lots of sniffing and continuous coughing going on.
I ended up placing a piece of tissue across my mouth and nose to soften my irritable coughing and sniffing.
Feeling so disorientated right now.
5/29/2007 11:13:00 AM
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Sunday, May 27, 2007
In my dream, i was angry, frustrated and upset.
I remembered waking up from the part where i was telling you that i'm having a fever.
Indeed, i woke up with a fever.
Haven't stopped thinking about you ever since.
Been thinking alot.
....waiting for someone is difficult and harsh,
...at the same time, it makes ones heart to flutter.
That's exactly how i feel right now.
I probably don't mean much to you anymore,
regardless how it has all ended up to be,
I've always thought that you were special.
That arrogance. Such cockiness.
That spunk and stubbornness.
Neither can you cook nor ever wash dishes till i made you do it for the first time.
Not mentioning that shocked your mum quite abit.
How you've hovered around me with that sheepish grin, as i stood by the stove, cooking instant noodles for us.
Wanting to help, but to make a mess out of everything.
You can't take spicy food and you love sushi, salmon.
You ain't thrifty, and so you hide away shopping receipts from me.
My first decent piece of wallet, was a christmas gift from you.
My first piece of tennis attire, was a birthday gift from you.
And i finally splurge on an oven just to bake you a cake on Valentine's.
I have never forgotten our first dance and kisses together.
How you've always wanted to doll me up like an expensive barbie doll,
i didn't like it.
But, i've soon accepted the fact that i could look that beautiful when i dress up. So, i've never blamed you for trying to change me.
You've always thought that you knew better,
but seriously, i know better.
Because we're different, so different, that's why we never ran out of topics to talk and quarrel about.
I believed you, have believed in you totally.
But what we've once had is fading..away...
And, we saw a rainbow when we played tennis for the first time.
It was drizzling so bad.
When we broke up, it was drizzling too.
I've cried twice, once when we first broke up, second time when you called it quits again.
I shall locked up all the memories we had.
It's time, i should learn to live on my own without looking back hoping.
5/27/2007 05:33:00 PM
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