Life of An Angel

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Medicine's suppose to make you feel better.
My fever fluctuates.
Feels like dying.
I need to exercise, it's tormenting.
I really pray that i'll be much much better by tomorrow,
so i can rush my studying for my last paper on saturday.
I saw you online.
My heart sank.
I don't know what is that suppose to be, but i feel that i no longer recognise the familiar you.
You've become so unfamiliar and distant.
Why are you doing this?
And what have you done to us.
At the mention of your name, it still stings.
I don't understand, i'm sure it's the sickness that's screwing up my mind.
I can't possibly be dreaming about you every night!
Bitch. I know i am.
Cos i've done something wrong and i'm angry with myself.
Definitely, there isn't anyone who's able to replace a single you,
but i choose to seek refuge in another to fill up that hollow space you left behind.
What i have done, it's unpardonable.
It's doing him no justice.
But i can't deal with it anymore, not now.
I'm tired and worn out.
I remembered telling a friend this:
"Don't question. Don't ask. Just let it be. I'm too weak to deal with it already."
I badly need to leave this place.
It's out of question to fly afar and leave the country.
Maybe, i'll just seek for an alternative, spending time away from the city and stay by the beach for awhile.
Or maybe i can start venturing for a new job.
Randomly, i think i'll revamp my entire room.
Loads of junk to be cleared.
Dapping the corner of my eyes with tissues, i don't think i've ever felt so whiny and terrible being sick.
Vicky's on msn with me.
This woman.
It's shockingly weird. She's always around in times when i'm struggling.
Really. She would go like "What happened to you?" "How are you?" "Wanna update me about your life?"
Everyone wants to help.
But i've turned it all down.
Just feel that whatever i'm going through right now, i don't think anyone's able to help.
I flared up at my mum during dinner.
I could see her face cringed up with hurt.
Disgusted. Totally disgusted with myself.
Why am i pushing away those who care?
And my farking shower tap is spoiled.
Now, i've to shower with HOT water, who showers with hot water when they are running a fever? Piece of crap.
The whole entire world's up against me man.
All these nonsense, they should stop now.
I shouldn't have turned back if i knew that i would be suffering twice worst than i did.
It's a like a taboo subject. Him.
I shouldn't have forgive him.
I really hate this. I hate it. Hate you.
Can you please go away....go away please..just go away...

Lúthien Ancalime ;
5/31/2007 07:55:00 PM Comment

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